Melancholy Inspiration

All of us draw our inspiration from somewhere, mine happens to be from a more tormented part of myself. That doesn't mean that 99% of the time I'm not a completely happy-go-lucky person, but that's a part of me I'm willing to share all the time, this is something I keep to myself, I guess except for the public, internet blog, lol. I'm sure there's some psychological explanation as to why some of us feel the need to express our artistic self though dramatic experiences, but whatever, it is what it is. Some people call it bipolar, manic-depressive, crazy, etc., I don't chose to label myself through any of those labels, but I do feel most connected with my inner self when I'm feeling sad or mad. For some reason when everything is going right in my life, I don't want to write poems about it, I just live it. Yet somehow the darkness and sadness in my life finds a way of making an artistic expression in me, whether through music or poetry, I find a way to make it beautiful. Some of our greatest artists, composers, musicians, actors, authors and leaders have been what most would consider "tormented." I don't look at it quite that way. I think that to live you have to embrace it all, you have to experience everything. Those of us that choose the simple, quiet life, get just that. Maybe you don't have the dips and lows, but you also don't have the peaks and highs. Just like an algebraic formula, there is a zero and on each side either a positive or negative integer. Each direction is equally close to zero. To remain on one side of zero is unbalanced. I can't explain what draws me to share and express myself when I'm feeling less than bliss, but I know that I grow from it and love it just the same. Anyways, I just wanted to offer an introspective answer to a question you all may or may not be asking yourself as you make your way through my blog. I will make a greater effort to share the more postive side of my life which is definitely the majority, but then again, not as exciting for the readers. Afterall, a tragedies make much better stories than fairy tales, but I don't see why I can't share both ;)

Sonnet # 18

Like most people, I absolutely love music. All types too, the only music I really don't care for is the screaming bands. Sorry, it's just becomes annoying background at some point. Unfortunately music was not a big part of either my parents life or mine growing up. I remember in sixth grade we did tryouts for which elective we would go into, like band, choir or theater, and I wanted to do band. I was picked as eligible for it and wanted a xylophone, but my parents couldn't afford it and there went my dream to play in the band, and so died my ability to learn to play music. Instead I went to choir, where I did advance the skill of my voice. I used to be told I had a beautiful voice, over the years I think I've lost the talent if I ever really had it. More than anything, I loved the honesty of the beautiful lyrics in the music. Even if it was wordless, the music carried a story, an emotion, that left you with an experience. I'm sure you all know what I am referring to. The way the music captures a certain element of the human experience. Growing up in Texas, I loved country music. There's a joke that if you play country backwords, you get your wife, kids, car, dog, job, etc. back, lol. Yeah, I get that, country can be rather depressing at times, but it can also lift you to cloud nine, and promise you the moon and the stars. I use country as an example because regardless of whether you like it or not, it's a very lyrical style of music. If it's a sad song, I want to split that whiskey with the guy, and if it's a love song, I imagine the world turning just for me and you. Music also serves as a time machine. It allows you to relive a memory, whether a good time or a heartbreak. It's an immortal element for humanity. Take William Shakesphere's Sonnet #18, more commonly known as "Shall I compare thee..." I had to memorize this sonnet as part of a freshman English class, and it's stuck with me for life. I'm glad I chose this one, although at the time I had no idea how far reaching it would mean for me in my life. For those unfamiliar with the sonnet, Shakespeare compares the love of his life to a beautiful summer day. However, admits that even a beautiful summer day must come to an end sometime, much like the life of his love. However, in just 14 short lines, Shakesphere's immortalized the love of his life through the very poem itself, (line 12-14) "So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see--So lives this, and this gives life to thee." Music and the experience you can relive time and time again is one of life's immortal pleasures. There are songs that are imprinted permanently to our memory, so much so that sometimes the song is "ruined" for us if we can't shake the unwanted reminder. But sometimes, it brings you back to a state of bliss, a place you long to return. I know it's a foolish comfort that a "play" or "repeat" button can relive a moment for us, but nonetheless it can. It's a beautiful gift that music is more immortal that even the hardest of stones, yet so light you can carry it in your heart.

Misunderstood

I feel as though most of the time, all of us, are misunderstood. There's nothing more frustrating to me than to feel voiceless. I'm writing this blog as a self-therapy, at least here, I can express myself. I'm not perfect by any means, but I try to live a happy and peaceful life. Just like anyone else, I have my own dreams, interests, and likings. I'm currently in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful person, but often times, I feel that I have to silence or dim myself to keep up. I know that compromise is engrained into the very nature of a relationship and most times I am happy to do so, but sometimes, I just wish I could be me. I know that my perspective is scewed, and there is always another side to the same coin, but I know that I often do things for him that I simply do out of love for his passion and interests. He is a wonderful person and does many great things for me too, but sometimes I just wish he could understand that yeah, a girl needs more. He's so considerate of others and happy to go the extra mile, but when it comes to me, it seems I should be content with just getting to come along for the ride. Sometimes his sense of egoism becomes selfish, and if I dare address it, he either flat out ignores me or twists the situation to make me seem like "the bad guy" or that I'm trying to start a conflict. I love him more than he could ever know, and although my nature as a strong woman does sometimes make me difficult, I am never intentionally brewing trouble. When my feelings get hurt I want someone to comfort me, I want someone to attempt to understand my point of view, hear me out, see where we could come to a middle ground. I am a hopeless romantic at heart, I always dream of living out a Hollywood fairytale. My dreamy disposition obviously sets me up for disappointment, I know that. But I don't think it's too much to ask that once in a while, something can be done or said just purely for me. I'll give you an example. I am a history nerd. I absolutely love the past and what we can learn from it. He on the otherhand, is Mr. Technology and interested in the upcoming future. We often clash on what we should value as humanity, and that's fine. However, I am willing to learn and appreciate things related to his interests in technology. He is mostly unwilling to do the same for me and history. I've stopped trying for the most part, hoping one day in the right crowd he might see the importance of the past, but until then, I continue to enjoy studying history. We just recently moved to Hawaii and I am fascinated in learning the local history and culture. I wanted to take a trip down to see "The City of Refuge," a place where ancient Hawaiians could seek asylum if pursued for persecution and punishment. It's part of the state parks here, and a place where many people find interesting, especially since very little remains of ancient Hawaiian history. He made it clear that this is not something that would interest him. I felt discouraged and hurt. I thought this was something we could both possibly enjoy, especially since he too seems rather interested in the Hawaiian way of life. To me it seems that he is willing to do these types of things for other people, but when it comes to me, it's just an annoyance. It's not like I asked him to go shopping or go see a chick-flick. I started to tear-up, but I hate showing that kind of emotional weakness because most people see it as a form of "copping out" when a girl cries. I told him I couldn't believe how selfish he was being, that I would lower my expectations for him. Not long after this, the conversation became heated and he decided to walk out. I told him that I only had a few hours before work and did he not want to spend them with me, to which he replied, no. It doesn't matter how angry I get, I always want to be near him, and I always want to find a resolution after cooling down from whatever emotion I experience. I wish he could feel the same. I wish he would want to find things that would make me happy, like going on a history outing. I frequently do things with him that I am maybe not particularly interested in, but nonetheless am happy to do with him. I dream of a day that he would "surprise" me with such an outing, or anything that might be done "just for me." The reason I feel "misunderstood" is because he won't try to see that I am not trying to start a conflict, I just want someone to understand why I feel the way I do without making me feel worse. I want someone to want to talk through things and not just get angry, storm out, and not ever talk about it. I feel powerless, hopeless, and alone. I'm the only one that knows how I feel and I wish that were different. Thanks for listening.